It may come as a surprise to some of you that I can be a bit of a control freak. Ok, so maybe you’re not surprised. Maybe you already knew that. But let’s pretend for a moment that this is new information. Now you say, “Really? You don’t seem like a control freak. In fact, I always experience you as calm, peaceful, allowing, and in flow” See? I’ve already scripted you in your response to my revelation. Like I said, control freak.

This time of social distancing, isolation, change in routine, house full of people who are also not in their regular routines has ignited the controlling aspect of my personality. Luckily, I know that I’m way more than my personality. Nonetheless, I struggle with this tendency to grasp onto the illusion of control. I noticed this acutely this week with a family member. This family member is an elder whom I adore. He is not in good health and is at higher risk for contracting the Covid19 virus. He has been running errands in public spaces for his homebound female companion. I worry about his exposure to the virus.

I worry about him being run ragged as his companion’s needs are endless and the demands on him are great. I offered to do the errands myself so he can stay safe at home and his companion can still receive her food and supplies. I figured this was a perfect solution and I was already planning my errands to include her needs. Within minutes, my offer had been heartily declined. For her own reasons, this woman insists that my family member be the only one who helps her, even if that means putting him at constant risk. Being the devoted companion and server that he is, he agrees to this arrangement.

There is a huge part of me that wants to control this situation. I want to insist that he stay home and that she has no option but to accept my offer of help. I want to enforce something that I have no power to enforce. This is completely out of my hands. My strong opinions don’t matter. My fantasies of controlling the details are only fantasies. I can either surrender to this or I can continue to be in anger and resistance. The anger and resistance are making me grumpy and distracted. I choose surrender. Choosing surrender, for me, means that I regularly release my opinions and judgments to a higher power.

It means that I commit to daily meditation, visualization, prayer, and movement so the sticky energy has a chance to move out of my body and be transformed into something more loving, more useful, more aligned with my true self. It’s not as simple as saying “I surrender”. It’s actually a practice. I’m practicing. Not with perfection, but it isn’t about perfection. It’s about my heart and how much space I wish to create within it and around it. I’m committed to my own growth so this is the work I must do. What about you? What are you surrendering right now? Whatever it is, I bless your journey as you expand your awareness, consciousness, and loving capacity.

Stephanie Banks

Intuitive Channel, Soul Insight LLC

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